Monday, July 29, 2019

I almost got flapped

There was an incident this morning. I'm ashamed to admit, I didn't protect Mom. 

Mom finally came to her senses and is home with me and Dad every Monday. I like that! Mom should be with me every day, but I'll take what I can get for now. Being home with me three days a week is better than just two days a week. 

The weather was really nice this morning. Mom got up at her normal time, about six o'clock, and we went outside so I could do all my morning activities. When I was done, Mom fixed a cup of coffee (I don't like coffee, personally) and we went back outside to sit on our private little porch. It really was a fine country morning. No one was outside making noise, not even cousin Dave. 

So there I was, sitting on the porch admiring the nice mowing job Mom did on the front yard, and this wild turkey hen came strolling down the lower driveway and into the yard! And she had two little poults with her! 

I'm not allowed to chase Bambi and Kambi, but Mom never said a thing about turkeys!!!!!

I barked and barked and that hen ignored me. Being ignored is irritating so I decided to go have a chat with this big bird. I stepped off the porch and that's when it happened. That hen turned and stretched out her neck and flapped her wings and came toward me!! Well, I could tell right away she meant business and if I didn't back up, I was going to get a flapping and pecking. 

I didn't think I'd like that so I stopped as fast as I could. 

I don't remember much after that. Um, yeah. that's it. I forget what happened next. Let's go with that, not that I tucked my tail between my legs and headed for the back door and left Mom unguarded. What was I thinking to leave Mom outside with a crazed bird????

Mom came around and left me in the house, and she was laughing at me. Apparently, my shame is humorous to humans. But she gave me a Griller and told me I'm a good dog so we're good, and that's the important thing. 

The next time I see a wild turkey, I'll know what to do. I'll just bark. I'll look a lot braver in front of Mom that way. 

Saturday, July 20, 2019

Loki has a long tail

It's pretty hot outside today. I'm taking it easy inside and staying close to my fave air conditioning vent in the dining room. If I get hot, I simply stretch out over it and wait for the AC to cycle on. It feels soooo good! 

That skanky cat likes the heat. I went to check on Mom (she's in her office) and I spotted Loki sleeping on the cedar chest. Mom put an old bedspread over it so he can't scratch it. 

I bet if I touched his tail, Loki would roll right off there and hit the floor.  Hmmmm. It's a lot of temptation, even for a good dog like me.

I'm Deuce, and I think I'll take the shot....

_ _ _

**Note from Mom. It was awesome. Loki hit the floor and chased Deuce all the way to the living room. I laughed, but don't tell Deuce. 

Thursday, July 18, 2019

Writers can be sneaky

Mom does a lot of different things after she takes care of me and Dad. And Loki. Jeez, can't forget to mention that skanky cat or Mom will fuss me. One of the things Mom does is something she calls writing. That's not something I can help her with. 

When Mom is writing, I like to sleep under her desk. If she's wearing soft slippers, she'll rest her feet on me, or sometimes snuggle her bare toes beneath me. We like that. It's our thing. I like because I'll know immediately if she is leaving her desk. It's my job to keep an eye on her, you know. 

Mom's writing has been on something called a hiatus, but she's getting back to it. This week she's looking over a couple of older manuscripts that she found some mistakes in. Mom can curse like a sailor sometimes but as long as she's not slinging the f-bomb at me, we're good. 

Last night, she worked at writing while I took a nap on the bed. It rained earlier and I was bored, and a nap is a good cure for that. So I was asleep and Mom snuck out the door to our little porch without me! I did not like this. It might have been my fault because I wasn't under her desk, but I'll bet Mom did it on purpose. 

So now I have a new spot to nap - in front of the door blocking the exit. 

I'm Deuce and I'm not dumb. I got this all figured out. Mom won't get out the door without me again.

Friday, July 12, 2019

Nope. Didn't steal it.

I'm a good dog. I don't snatch Mom's socks without permission. I can't do that, anyway, because Mom doesn't leave her socks lying where I can find them. At least, not usually...

But if a pair of socks should happen to fall out of the drawer when Mom's getting dressed, and Mom doesn't see them, and if I happen to be right there, well...

I'm Deuce. I'm really a good dog. I picked up the socks for Mom. 

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 

But now I have a question. Who is Rocket the Racoon and why did Mom ask me if I wanted it more?  
I bet she's been watching that Guardians of the Galaxy movie again.

Sunday, June 2, 2019

We're putting screen around the patio

Mom had a birthday! She had to tell me because, well, dogs aren't real good with dates. I don't even remember my own birthday. Mom has to tell me that, too. She got a lot of greeting cards from people I don't know, but the one that made her happiest was from Cousin Linda. Cousin Linda never forgets Mom's birthday and Mom never forgets her birthday, either. 

Mom and I are a team. I've been helping her clean out Jack's garage. When she goes over to do some work, I ride with her in the pickup. My job is to keep her company and listen quietly when she says a lot of very bad words about the hoard of junk. I mostly sit in the truck and watch her work, but keeping out of her way is an important job, too. Once the pickup is loaded, I ride to the landfill with her. 

Cousin Dave has been helping, too. Mom says he's the brawn to her brain. He took a bunch of old, rusty cabinets to be recycled and cut up some pressboard cabinets so they could go in the dumpster at the landfill. Those will decompose, whatever that means. He put new belts on the mower Mom uses, too. Mom doesn't like Dad's mower because it doesn't have brakes, just funky handlebars. 

I'm not sure I understand the whole landfill thing. It seems like Mom is glad to have a place to dump all the junk, but really upset it has to go there. It's confusing to a dog. Like how does Mom know what goes on the metal only pile? And how does she know where to take the plastic items? Mom knows a lot of stuff!

Mom works hard taking care of me so I'm really, really, really happy she did something for herself for her birthday. She called Cousin Chris and he's putting screens all around the patio to keep the bugs out. I like that idea! It will be wonderful to be able to sit on the patio and not have one of those nasty big bumblebees dive bomb my head. Good idea, Mom! 

Have you ever seen those big bumblebees? They're huge! 

The downside is I can't just stroll out wherever I want. I have to go through the special panels with the screen curtains. They have magnets to keep them closed. It's easy-peasy. Just keep walking and they part. There's one on each side, special for me!

Once the screens are installed, Mom wants to paint the trim. I heard her and Dad talking about it and Dad said she had to wait until the wood cured a little more. Mom rolled her eyes and I know what that meant - she already knew that. 

Mom just finished her coffee and I know what that means. It's time to start our day. I'm not sure what Mom has planned, but I'm Deuce! I'm her right-paw guy and I'll be beside her every step of the way! 

Saturday, May 18, 2019

I wish I could help

It's not been a very good patch for Mom. Her stepfather died. I remember Jack. He was really tall. He was also married to Grandma. I think married must be the same as being mates. Jack and Grandma used to be together all the time before Grandma got something called Alzheimer's.

Mom was trying to take care of Jack. I could see it was hard on her. She has a job and she takes care of Dad, me, and Loki, too. Plus she mows the grass, does the laundry, cooks, gets the groceries. She's been doing it all without any help and she's really worn out. I try to be on my very best behavior so I don't become a burden. She says I'll never be one, but I want to do my part. 

Mom's been coaxing me to put my head on the pillows with her at night. It must comfort her so I do it even when I get too warm. I try not to pant but I can't always help it. Mom doesn't fuss me when I have to move to cool down. She understands.

I don't understand everything she has to do now. It seems like it's a lot more than before. Dad is being what Mom says is "solicitous." I'm a smart dog, but I don't know what that means. 

I'd really like to help Mom so I guess the best thing I can do is just be me. I'm a good dog. Mom tells me that every day. It makes me so happy to hear her say, "Deuce is a good dog!" 

Mom says life will get easier once she's settled everything and Dad's recovered from his upcoming surgery. Cousin Chris is screening in the patio real soon so we should have a lot of fun this summer, sitting outside and not having to swat mosquitoes. Mom got the notice the panels have been shipped and she was happy about that! 

I'll have to try harder to comfort Mom, but I'm just too big to sit on her lap. I'll have to think of something else. 

I'm Deuce! I'll come up with something to make her smile. 

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Guarding my stuff

I have a lot of stuff and I like to know exactly where it is at all times. Dad fusses about my belongings being all over the floor in his way, but Mom never says anything so it's ok for me to have my toys out where I can see 'em. 

What if that skanky Loki tries to play with my ball? I NEED to know so I can stop him! Mom doesn't like that too much but Loki is smart enough to hop along on his way if I make a move toward him. Sometimes he does things on purpose to get a rise out of me. I know what's he's doing so I play along. 

Anyway, Mom's home today and we were on the loveseat together while she had a cup of tea. I was trying to decide if I wanted to pick a toy and coax her into playing with me but that seemed like a lot of work. When she got up, she used Dad's phone and took a picture of me guarding my toys. She thought it was funny the way I got them all in a line. 

Sometimes Mom is easily amused. 

Sunday, March 31, 2019

I can't fly

Yesterday was a super nice spring day. Me, Mom and Dad were outside for a long time. Mom and Dad were busy with the mower and the John Deere tractor. Well, Mom was sort of busy. Dad was watching and "giving her pointers" on how to drive them. I'm not sure that's a productive use of his time because Mom ignores him a lot. 

I got yelled at once for being in the way. Then I was more careful. When Mom yells at me outside, I pay attention. I was paying attention when Mom sneaked off and walked down to chat with Cousin Dave without me, too. I did not like that but apparently what I don't like doesn't matter sometimes. 

We were almost finished and were sitting over at the shed, you know, chewing the fat as Dad says. It wasn't real fat, though. I've chewed real fat and it is delicious! I love real fat! What was I saying?

Oh yeah. We were sitting over at the shed. Dad was in his chair and Mom was sitting on the loader. A little gust of wind came along and the umbrella on the sunroom porch sailed over the house! I was too surprised to even bark! All Mom said was she didn't hear any glass break. She went and checked it out while I stayed with Dad. The metal parts of the umbrella were all twisted and bent. Mom said it can't be fixed and she'll have to get a new one. 

I hope she means that. I like our little porch. It's our space, me and Mom's. We have good times out there in the evenings and on Saturday and Sunday mornings. 

I'm Deuce, and I know even pack members need their own space. And shade. Don't forget to get a new umbrella, Mom!

Saturday, March 9, 2019

Everyone needs a lazy afternoon

Today was Saturday. I love Saturday! Mom is home with me and Dad, and she takes me outside a lot. It didn't rain or snow today, but the ground is still wet and cold. My paws are pretty tough but I don't like cold too much. 

I was really lazy today. So was Mom. She got up early to go deposit a check. What's the Fed? Mom said the Fed was kind enough to give her some of her money back but the way she said it makes me think she meant something else. What are income taxes? I bet I'd get more Grillers if these Fed dudes didn't take some of Mom's money from her. Anyway, Mom went to the bank but she made me stay home with Dad. 

When she got home, we went out for a bit, but like I said, the ground was wet. We didn't stay out long. Mom did some laundry and worked on a story. She said she figured out what was wrong with it and now she could move it forward. 

Mom keeps an old sheet on the couch for me. She takes it outside almost every day and shakes my fur off it. I hit the sofa for a snooze while she was busy, and don't you know it - Dad took a picture and sent it to Mom. Okay, so my tongue was sticking out a little bit. It's only my tongue. I show my tongue all the time but for some reason, doing it in my sleep makes it funny. 

I'll tell you what's funny. Humans are funny, as in weird and strange funny.

Let me tell you what woke me up. Mom said if we went to Sonic, she'd buy.  That's all I had to hear. Even in my sleep "Sonic" gets through to me. I KNOW that word.

I love Sonic! I got a puppy burger! It was soooooo good! 

Now we're lazing in Mom's office for a while until Mom is done working for the day and it's time for bed. 

I'm Deuce, and it was a great day to be me!

Sunday, March 3, 2019

I'm insulted!

Daddy dumped his coffee on me! I'm insulted! Don't I look insulted? Yes, I do. Because I AM. 

I was minding my own business. Honest I was! Daddy had just brewed that cup and was headed for his chair. I was watching out for him but he was not watching out for himself. He dropped his cup and hot coffee went all over me. It's a good thing I'm a Lab and have a nice, thick coat with an almost waterproof layer. 

Mom came to me right away and dried me off, even before she wiped up the mess. I'm going to smell funny now. Mom says after Dad makes another cup of coffee and gets out of the kitchen, she'll wipe me down with a clean, wet rag. She doesn't want me to be sticky. That's good because I don't like the sound of "sticky."

I hope Mom hurries up and gets me clean so I can get back to my nap. 

You know... on the sofa. 

Saturday, January 19, 2019

And she let him back in the door

I like it when Mom laughs, so I do things so she will. Sometimes, I don't even know I've done something funny. Like this morning. 

I needed to go outside to know... and when Mom opened the door, Loki ran right outside, lickety-split! I'll say one thing about that skanky cat, and that is that he is fast on his little white feet. Anyway, Mom called him to go back inside and he ignored her - so she closed the door. 

That did it. Loki got all scared. He's a wimpy creature. I was out in the yard but I heard Mom laugh. Then she got her phone and took some pictures that weren't of me. (I talked to her about that. I AM HER FAVORITE SUBJECT, not that skanky cat.)

When Mom opened the door for me, Loki ran inside and stopped. Then he swatted at me like it was my fault he'd gone outside in the cold. 

Stupid cat. 

Editor's note: Mom struck through the word "skanky." 

Friday, January 18, 2019

Three is just a number

I'm three years old now! Is that old in dog years? Mom and Dad don't think so. They talk about stuff and say I'm still a young dog. Well, I'm old enough to know snow is really cold on my paws. Is it spring yet?

I turned three on January 14. It was a quiet event. Mom had to work. Dad's home health care folks came in. His nurse scratched my belly and he ratted me out to Mom. Mom acted all insulted that I let some strange woman rub my tummy, but I know better. She doesn't really mind. She likes that I'm friendly when people come in. 

I'm friendly. I do not jump up on people. I'm too well-mannered for that. Mom brought me up right, you know. 

Mom and Dad are worried about me. Mom is convinced there's something more wrong with my leg than a torn cruciate. They keep talking about my hips and it sort of scares me. What's an X-ray? Does it hurt?

Dad had surgery and it hasn't been any fun for any of us. He can't take me outside now, so I have to go out and pee by myself.  What if I have to have surgery? Who is going to take care of me while Mom is at work? Dad's in no shape to do it. 

It makes Mom really sad. 

She talks to me at night after we go to bed and sometimes she cries and tells me she's so sorry my leg hurts. I don't blame her, though. It wasn't her fault I ran so hard and jumped so high I hurt myself. It doesn't matter because she still blames herself. She says surgery will be very hard on me because I can't tell her how I really feel. 

I guess if the vet says I need surgery, Mom will find a way to make it happen. I trust her to take care of me. I really want to live long enough to be a wise old dog. Mom said she'd like that. 

Sunday, January 13, 2019

Mom called me a "snowflake"

Sometimes I worry about Mom. This morning she called me a "snowflake." Okay, it IS snowing right now, but I'm black. Like in all black. From the tip of my very excellent nose to the tip of my toes, I'm black. How can I be a snowflake when snow is white? 

Snow is fine, I guess. It started to snow yesterday afternoon at about four o'clock. Mom and Dad checked the weather report, and Mom joked we could get anywhere from zero to ninety-nine inches. She says predicting the weather is the only job where you get paid for being wrong a lot. Her phone app said we'd get one to three inches and there are about six inches on the ground right now! 

First thing this morning, like always, I had to pee. Mom opened the sunroom door for me and yowza! I stepped outside and my poor little paws about froze! I turned around and came back inside. That's when Mom called me a snowflake. She said a big, brave, handsome pup like me shouldn't have a problem with a little bit of snow. Then she took a picture of my footprints in the snow showing how I wouldn't jump down and go tinkle. I'm so glad I keep Mom amused. 

Hey, Mom. Why don't YOU walk outside with your feet bare and tell me what you think about that?

I think Mom is going to have the last laugh on me real soon. I really need to go out. A guy can only hold it for so long, you know. The upside is that when I do finally go out, Mom will give me a Griller when I come back inside. Hmmm...

I'm Deuce! I'm going out! Cold paws are a small price to pay for a Griller.